What advice would I give to a 17 year old me?

Yesterday, one of my younger cousins asked me for advice. He said he struggles with making friends and feels lonely. He is also about to join a job that will require him to work 100+ hours per week and asked for general advice on life and career as well as specific questions on how to succeed. I offered him a lot of general guidance and gave him tips for specific questions.

But it got me thinking about a younger version of myself. And I wondered... what advice would I give to a 17 year old me?

I would say: 

Take care of yourself first. There will always be ups and downs in life. Your emotional state is the most critical resource you have even above time. Often times during hardships, the first thing to fall off the wagon is self-care. And that just leads to a deficit in performance and our ability to deal with the hardship.

One challenge is that we often think that we have to do something fancy like meditate or exercise or spend loads of time and money to take care of ourselves or that it's stupid mumbo jumbo. However, there is no recipe for self-care. Self-care for each person and situation is different. What is more important is to have self-awareness i.e. take five minutes from time to time to introspect. Don't create rules like it has to be every day. Instead try to do it as often as you can. Don't create rules like it has to be at a specific frequency. Instead, just do it when you have 5 minutes downtime. For example, I can be busy with a project for a week or two weeks... I try to reflect on what I am feeling every 2-3 days depending on work load. I have also trained myself to observe negative feelings. While I cannot monitor every thought I have, I can try to observe what I am feeling. And the goal is not to observe every negative feeling. But rather to notice negative feelings more and more frequently (i.e. gradually increase self-awareness by practicing it). The best way to follow a rulebook is by creating one yourself. Because it will be made up of practices that you gradually develop on your own. You will not be sacrificing your self-will. Even just the act of acknowledging negative feelings and deciding to face them will make you feel better.  It should be applauded.

The second thing I do is I ask myself - what can I do to feel better right now? Now that I know I am not feeling good, what can I do to counter this feeling? Sometimes, I sing a song on smule. Sometimes I create a personal video journal where I spew my feelings using my phone camera. Sometimes, I write down my feelings in a journal app. Sometimes, I dance it out. Sometimes I call my parents/sister/friends and talk it out. Sometimes I watch Rocky Balboa's inspirational speech to his son. Sometimes I do a specific counter-action to counter the negative feeling resulting from a negative outcome. E.g. when I was looking for jobs during my MS, anytime I would get a rejection, I would apply to 10 more jobs to counter the negative feelings. The more I applied, the better I felt. If I am scared of a specific technology, I just study it. The more I study, the better I feel. So whatever situation you are in, whatever negative feelings you have, ask yourself, what can you do to feel better right now? And do it. It doesn't have to be fancy. It doesn't have to cost money. It doesn't have to take up a lot of time. If twerking for five minutes makes you feel better, twerk. If watching funny videos, makes you feel better do that. 

Anytime you do something good, find ways to appreciate yourself. E.g. when I started sleeping better, I patted myself on the back. Every single day I noticed that I had slept well, I patted myself on the back.  And now every time I notice that I am doing something to take care of myself, I pat myself on the back. Sometimes I clap. It's not just kids and pets who need positive affirmation. We all need positive affirmation. Don't wait for someone else to give you that affirmation. Give it to yourself. Celebrate yourself and all the good things you do for yourself. Every time you do it, you feel better and you are in a better frame of mind to face the challenges that come along.

If you are in a bad situation, take care of yourself mentally and find a way to get out of that situation. But if there is no way to get out of that situation, then you definitely need to keep taking care of yourself. As Winston Churchill said,  "If you're going through hell, keep going". Because change is inevitable. And the situation will definitely pass. And when it does, you want to be in a good state of mind to enjoy the fruits of your labor.

I admire Winston Churchill. He was faced with leadership at such a hard time and ensuring that England never fell to Hitler. His famous words still inspire me today:

"Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy." 

Just like Sylvestor Stallone a.k.a Rocky Balboa's speech to his son:

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!"

Or just like what Will Smith a.k.a Chris Gardner said to his son:

"Hey. Don’t ever let somebody tell you,  you can’t do something. Not even me. All right? You got a dream? You gotta protect it. People can’t do something themselves, they want to tell you you can’t do it. You want something? Go get it! Period!"